nearly a dream

I am an exchange student!!! But why do I feel so tired and overwhelmed by school work? Seriously, taking five psychology modules is no joke, especially when I can't afford to buy the textbook or print notes and readings. I'm killing my eyes staring at my computer screen for more than 15hours a day, squinting at little words and figures. If I have a time machine right now, I want to fast forward time to when I can return to Singapore! I don't mind skipping my West Coast trip as well. I just want to go home and bask in sunshine and sleep to my heart's delight. Thank goodness I didn't manage to change my flight to stay in Japan for a week. I want to reach Singapore AS SOON AS POSSIBLEEEEEEEEE.

Yaks yaks, and complaints. BOO.

told you from the start, baby from the start

i feel very much loved whenever i see messages like
"come back soon!"
♥

waiting for snow to fall

life is complicated
it's made complicated because of people
people having different motives, different priorities, and different perceptions
i have learnt that there is no such thing as truth in this world
what we have, are perceptions and assumptions
everyone perceives things in their own way, through their own eyes
and who's to determine what is real and what is not?
if i claim that this event occured in way 'x'
but you remember it as occurring in way 'y'
how do we convince each other of our own perspective?

sometimes it chills me to no end
when i think of how memories and perceptions can be twisted
and distorted into unrecognizable truths
i've seen people who firmly believe in what they remember
and that which they remember just happens to be the opposite of what i recalled
i've seen people who attribute negative events to people they dislike
while conveniently forgetting faults of people they hold in good grace
i've seen people misinterpret others' words and actions
and kept these misunderstandings in their minds
leading to more unnecessary conflicts and quarrels

when i am unhappy over something,
i find it really hard to hold it to myself
either i confront the person in question, or i dismiss the issue
as long as i cannot resolve the issue, i will remain distressed over it
so why not get it out and talk it over?
i dun understand when people are mad and they hide the reason
they are showing others they are angry, and yet not telling why they are angry
will this help in anything?
it'll only make themselves and others upset
but nothing is done with regards to the problem.

if you matter to me, and i treasure your friendship
i will tell you why i felt unhappy
and hope that we can find a satisfactory solution
on the other hand,
if i don't bother to tell you i dun like the way you do something
it will be because i dun foresee any use in saying it
and i am giving up on you and our friendship
since telling you will not make any difference, and nothing going to change
why bother?
thinking this way, i will not be angry for long
because i come to accept that it's simply a difference between us
nobody's in the wrong, nobody has to change
we just don't click, that's it.
i will not expect anything much from you anymore
just as i will not put in effort for your sake

there are many double standards in this world
and i admit holding some of them as well
some people, in my eyes, can do no wrong
whereas others can irritate me easily with just one word or one move
im aware of my own double standards
but i am not sure everyone is
there are some who are deeply convinced that they are being fair and objective, yet all the while as an onlooker i observed how unfair they can be in judging others

is this part of growing up?
seeing and realising that the world is a selfish one
with everyone putting themselves before others
and no one really bothering to think in others' shoes
ultimately, everyone lives in their own little bubble
with their own concerns and own problems
'where is the time to care about others?
i have enough troubles of my own to fret over'
no doubt there are people who look after the interests of those around them
but how far would they go?
how many of these people do you know?
perhaps these seem too extreme to you
but i simply feel too disillusioned

no, the world is not all rainbows and sunshine
people act in their own interests
people see things they want to see
and people change
it's human nature
i'd like to return to my old way of perceiving the world
but that's not how things go
once you have seen the ugliness of it all
it's hard to go back to how you used to be

Take a chance, and don't ever look back; don't ever look back

Fortune cookies have found a new fan in me!

The one type of cuisine I ate the most during my recent US trip was chinese. After every chinese meal, the restaurant would present us with fortune cookies. Usually I would find the 'fortune' or the 'advice' pretty meaningless at first glance. But after a few days, or a few weeks, I would recall the words and ponder over them. I remember getting this fortune cookie way back during my first New York trip.

"Don't talk about wasted affections. Affection is never wasted."

At the time I didn;'t feel much about it. But when I found it lying on my desk yesterday, the words suddenly struck me as 金玉良言.

我总是抱怨他人不了解我付出的细心，总是认为不受重视。因为这样，就认为我对他们的好是白费了，没有人会珍惜。但是，再想想，其实我并不需要他们也同样对待我。如果我想要对人好，那我就应该对他们好啊。不管怎样，我感觉这样做开心就好，何必想太多。我所做的没有白费！！就算别人没有以同样的真心对待我，我付出过的也不会因此被抹掉。

只是，我会重新评估，接下来我还要不要对你好、你值不值得我对你好。

out of sync

A friend just reminded me that it's deepavali! Because I refuse to miss out on my right to a public holiday, I am giving myself a self-declared break woohoo. Okay I lie, my holiday was planned a long time ago.

I'm heading to the land of many golds again this weekend till Thursday~

This time to Boston, Philadelphia and Washington DC...a road trip again(:
I hope this will be a super duper memorable trip just like the last time..

To admit that things might go wrong and we might get a little unhappy at times, but to trust that in the end all will turn out fine.

Let it be so, please! ♥

(I'm so going to be dead when I come back. I have tonnes and tonnes of work to do, deadlines to rush. But what the heck. I'M AN EXCHANGE STUDENT. favourite quote of the semester XD)

DJ got us falling in love again

This has been a pretty bad week, with loads of disappointments and bad news. But I'm not as hung up on stuff as I was in the past. I used to be really rigid in my thinking. Once I am fixed on a certain viewpoint or I have certain plans planned out, I hated changes. Having this stubborn streak brought me a lot of unhappiness. But these days I feel like I've learnt to accept that plans or ideas are never final until they actually become reality. Even though I still get swept up by grand ideas and proposals, I am never really convinced they will come true...till they do. It's a kind of self defense mechanism, I suppose. To avoid believing, so as not to fall from excessively high hopes. Writing it out like this suddenly makes it sound kind of sad though. I think something in me prevents me from trusting. Trust in people, in good things happening to me, and in the world overall. I think..a consequence of being too cautious is that I don't enjoy things to the fullest. I worry too much about plans falling through, people failing to keep to their words, unexpected circumstances that ruin everything.

Maybe if there wasn't hope in the first place, it would have been better. Because someone put the idea in my mind, suddenly I really wanted it. Only to realise in the end, that it wasn't going to happen. I kind of knew for a long period, that it wasn't going to happen. It's just that people keep saying there might be a chance and I hung onto that little string of hope. But today I finally believed that it's a lost cause. Oh wells. Luckily my Libra characteristic is that I will always try to reason things out to feel better. So I got over it pretty quick. There is always a next time, isn't it. I just wished, kinda, that the idea never came up. Then perhaps I could have saved all these trouble and sadness, and focused on other things instead.

pancakes and tatter thoughts

Even though I said I wanted to come overseas to learn how to get out of my comfort zone and grow more independent, I realised that this is not the case at all. I've merely left one comfort zone and landed into another one...becoming dependent on different people. Maybe this is what adapting is about? Building many many comfort zones in different places, wherever you go and whoever you meet. The thing is I'm happy with a small zone, so once I have that, I don't go searching for new experiences anymore. Bad thing when you are on an exchange=x

I guess all those psychologists are right after all. Personality does decide one's environment, maybe more than we realise. In fact one's personality is such a strong component of one's self and identity that it takes alot to actually reshape it. Much easier to change the environment instead. No matter where I go, as long as I bring along my laziness and dependency, I would somehow shape my surroundings to accomodate me. Whats more, I think my laziness got worse recently...

The few months before coming on SEP, I really felt myself growing. Working with the wonderful kids at CDLC, travelling to Hong Kong and preparing for this trip forced me to get up from my seat and get stuff done. Since I was pretty much alone in these tasks and there was no one I could turn to, I had to get them done myself. I secretly felt great satisfaction on my way back from Hong Kong. Sadly that little bit of confidence and fulfilment faded as quickly as they developed.

Maybe I should go for a totally lone trip somewhere next year. IF I still have any funds.